Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
