you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
