He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
