so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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