I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I enjoy the company of your penis
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
