she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
