I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I am one with the molecules
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
