her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Randomize
