it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
