i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
