He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
