Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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