This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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