Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
