tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
