Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My life is pants optional.
false alarm, still single
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
