i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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