Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
