turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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