its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
