hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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