I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
