I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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