My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
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Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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