Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
