I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
