i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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