i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
