I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
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The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
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It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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