dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
