I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
