hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
