You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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