I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
