Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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