the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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