I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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