She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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