one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
