I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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