i came on her dog
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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