She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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