Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
