I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
