My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
