Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
