I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
