ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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