You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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