Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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