He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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