I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
