I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
