I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
