I'd wear matching sweaters with you
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
and i looked up. we had an audience...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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