Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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