I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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