i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I could have mohawked her pubes.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
