She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
